How to be solid?

In order to be solid I chose to sacrifice my selfishness. I chose to make a promise to myself that I will return what they had given to me and fulfill their expectation. Partly, I agree to chose this path too. I hope after all of these, maybe a few years later, I will be solid. I'm able to stand strong, to take more risks and consider more consequences just based on my own, and also receive my happiness and satisfaction the way that I want to be. I chose to be in the shape of creating-and upgrading my value, because it is still confusing for me about how far my value is worth through people's eyes. Do I deserve this? Do I deserve to be treated that way?

And the way to get out is to get through.

The past two years feels like an auto-pilot mode where the suffering and suffocating feelings are so vivid in my mind. Although, there are also some satisfying moment, cheerful real feelings that arise for a while, even it didn't last long. Still trying to accept it though, and surrender for what had happened and what's going to happen on the next page.

I understand and I realize some things are better to keep inside, in my silence, in my heart, in my prayer. There are some moments that I adore so much, a person that I miss, but I can't express it anymore because it is purely useless. And it's going to be messy and it's not good. It is disappointing that the path collide so nice in a short time, but now it has to be separated. Some things are just not meant to be.

Then, I have to remind myself that I should not be selfish to my feelings and I owe some responsibility to some people, who had been through so much and did their best to love me. For who I am. For this flawed-damaged soul.

How scary it is that time is always ticking and sometimes it puts you in an anxiety. I know it's silly, but sometimes I wish I could stop the time and pick some moments, then insert it in a transparent bubble just so I could see it every time I want.