Write to Remember

Monday, 22nd of April 2019 It was a nice Monday, overall. I feel better than I ever was. I woke up before the dawn and continue my journaling. I was so glad my trip to UK few weeks ago still left in a vivid memory in my mind. I can remember the cold-fresh air, the road, the trees, the flowers, the buildings, the moments, the places, and I wrote it in my notes. I didn't remember my NY trip last year as good as this one. After that, I read another chapter in Educated and then I continue to sleep. I woke up again for Subuh prayer. In the morning, I ate breakfast and finished my first work. Well, there's a tiny moment where my mind is a bit anxious due to think about graduate course's preparation and lack of focus to continue my work. But, I paused and took a deep breath for a couple times. And it works. I could finally finish my assignments. The weather was bright and sunny, and I captured my office tower through my instastory. I don't know why I want to, I did ...

let it go. and stop trying for things that doesn’t make any sense.

....because a head full of fears has no space for dreams.

Beberapa hari yang lalu saya ketemu lagi dengan Pisey, salah satu teman asal Kamboja yang pernah ikut konferensi bareng di Greifswald, Juni 2016. Setelah itu sebenarnya kita sempat ketemu lagi di UI sekitar akhir 2016. Pisey lagi ikut sebuah student conference juga di UI dan saya lagi nemenin teman yang ikut acara yang sama. Waah, udah lebih dari dua tahun dan nggak nyangka Jumat minggu lalu bisa ketemu lagi. Dia sekarang kerja di Kementerian Luar Negeri Kamboja dan beberapa hari lagi di Jakarta karena ada tugas nemenin Duta Besar di ASEAN Secretariat. Wah, I'm amazed and it's so good to see her doing well and pursue her dream job to work in Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Kalau dengar cerita-cerita Pisey dan melihat pengalamannya, dia nih orangnya hard worker banget dan passionate dalam bidang hukum dan hubungan internasional. Jumat itu kita makan malam di Putu Bali, Senayan City. Pilihan saya nggak salah deh karena pernah coba makan di sana sekali. Makanannya enak dan t...

It has been a long time, and finally the four of us gathered together today. We celebrated Nadya's birthday though. She's turning 24, and the rest of us will turn 24 as well this year! Time flies~ I'm so grateful our friendship since junior high school stands strong until this present moment, and hopefully until we're turning into elderly! Sadly, when I'll go study abroad, obviously I couldn't see them for more than a year? Hhhh. But, life will go on for each of us. And at least, technology will help us to keep in touch. All the best for our future endeavors!

I will put a honest explanation through this post. In the past few days, I'm in the verge of self-doubt towards myself. A lot of things has happened, I felt so alone, and my overthinking mind is super wrecked. Sometimes it can't put me to sleep well. I feel like I'm not good enough in so many stuffs, and undeserving to receive some privilleges in my life. I was thinking that maybe my flaws can not be accepted (by some people) so I have to strive to be better. Ugh, I don't know. I'm confused about shaping my value as a complete human being. Lol, too many doubts and I'm so hard on myself about being not good enough. To put it in a simple sentence, my "job" is just to be happy and explore anything as best as I can, but I don't know why I couldn't. I'm stuck and suddenly I feel numb agaiiiin. Meh. So, yesterday (around 2.00 A.M can you imagine hahah) I shared some things that has been crumpled up my thoughts in the past few days. I shared ...

To nailed on something, achieve on good things, attract positivity, be kind and friendly, are some stuffs that so easily draws people to you. But, that’s not important. You are considered as lucky when there are still people who stand by yourside when you made mistake, your flaws were exposed, got backstabbed, treated so bad by some people, or when you were somehow just at a very nasty condition. So, keep those fortune... Keep it. Love it. Respect it. Especially, to people who stays. Because....... you’ll be very exhausted if you don’t have that kind of precious acceptance. You won’t like it if you have to face your worst time alone. Uh huh. Have a nice day! ----------------------------------------------- (Dear lucky man, dear lucky woman, now I will try to work on my fortune)

I’m tired with the constant battle with my mind. Is it because i’m an INFP? Is it because my bloodtype is O? Is it because i’m a Leo? Hohoh, silly. Everybody has something to fight for. Everybody has someone to rely on. What are you fighting for? Who do you think you are that could make you possible to rely on someone? This defining age put myself a lot in front of a mirror. Who are you? What are you waiting for? Where are you going to contribute your advantage? Do you have any? How do you deserve to be treated? As the Hang On Little Tomato plays from Pink Martini And continues with Hold On from 2009 Jonas Brothers I’ve turned into a completely non-believer now.

....Bulshit. About these words: “You have more freedom than you think you have, just focus on what makes you happy.”