Write to Remember

I guess I'm not brave enough with life. Lately, I'm kind of afraid with how fast the time goes by. I feel like I was just turn 18 and graduated high school yesterday, but now I'm almost 25 and currently pursue my master course.  It feels weird how some people are still stay connected with me and some are grew apart. The current new people that I've met in the past one year are mostly caring and heartwarming. Thinking of how life someday will separate us quite terrifies me. I understand that life goes on anyway, whether for me or for them. I don't know if after this chapter, I'll be good as I am now or not. But, of course, I don't wanna stuck in the past or just in a particular moment. Been there done that. The difficulties of not letting go will make a heavy burden to myself.  It's just too fast. And it's not good to holding on with a tight grip. Should I stop my fear and substitute it with hope? Ensuring myself that for the upcoming chapters...

I'm tired.

Memulai lead postingan blog dengan "Waktu cepat banget berlalu..." sebenarnya terasa basi. Tapi, beneran deh, waktu cepat banget berlalu. Sekarang aja saat gue melanjutkan draft postingan ini udah bulan Februari 2020. Mau gue selesaiin dari Januari tapi nggak jadi-jadi, haha. So, how am I doing now? Overall, nice. So far, so good.  I will put some writings after this one post. Let's just continue about my recap about what happened in the past six months of 2019 first. Postingan terakhir saat awal banget gue sampai Melbourne kan ya.  - Kehidupan kuliah Insecure adalah sebuah kata yang tepat di semester pertama. Insecure banget deh gue, hahaha. Bukan berarti gue nggak bisa ngikutin mata kuliahnya, tapi gue merasa sering insecure apa tugas-tugas yang gue kerjain udah benar atau belum. Baik itu tugas individu atau tugas kelompok. Kadang ada rasanya tugas yang dari bagian Business School pengen gue selesaiin cepet-cepet aja 😂 Ada juga sih tugas paper gitu...

When you start living alone, you realize that everybody's life goes on and you should stop (or less) complaining and just gulp gulp gulp gulp everything because you're the only one. the only one. who understand how you feel. sometimes it could be "hell yes, i can do this!" into "what the fckk?!?!" just in couple hours. Well, enjoy the moment, they said. - Art West Building, 13:35 I should start reading my subject materials but i want to read the Seriously Curious from The economies instead. It's a freebies The Economist stall. I also got a free waffle with cricket toppings (yes, cricket the insect) from there. If there's a camera, it would seems like i look so serious, but i am just tired.

Suddenly, i think about this because two of my friends plan to get their part time job here. Also, they have plan to create some strategies to get a working visa after graduate (kuliah aja belom mulai???) The first one want to get it (the part time job) as soon as possible, the second one want to try to search for it a month later, but both of them already prepared their portfolio. Meanwhile, i have an interest to take a part time job to, but i want to take a look about it six months later. I don't even have an updated resume, now (heheh). I realized that i can't (and i don't) compare myself with them. Both of these guys are (i believe) clever and ambitious, but each of us has different purpose and goals on why we chose to take master degree. I'm in the same program with one of them, but he has more experience than me, especially in marketing and advertising world. I don't know. For now, i just want to study and explore. Previously, I have a high determination...

17th of July 2019 (One month to go to a new age...) Rasanya kayak nggak nyata. "Gue di sini, nih Beneran di Melbourne dan bakal lama di sini?" Jadi, hari ini pertama kalinya menginjakkan kaki di Australia, tepatnya di Melbourne. Seharian ini gue merasa kayak ada dalam auto-pilot mode, jalan-jalan di sekitar apartemen (akomodasi sementara), ke Melbourne Central, belanja, dan ngurus beberapa keperluan untuk tinggal di sini dalam jangka waktu yang cukup lama. Kemarin gue masih di Kalibata, dan hari ini udah di one of the most liveable city in the world. Berada di tempat yang baru, tapi rasanya santai aja. Ya emang gue begini sih setiap ke tempat yang baru, jarang panik. Tapi, nggak tahu deh ya kalau nanti pas udah mulai kuliah (?) Mari bercerita dari bandara. Di Bandara Tulamarine, setelah imigrasi yang cukup panjang itu adalah antri 'declare' alias pemeriksaan barang bawaan yang perlu dicek, boleh atau nggak masuk Australia. Sebelumnya, di pesawat dikasih kartu ...

There was a haunting bitterness that made me thinking: "kayaknya mendingan pahitnya belajar......"

And I’m very tired.

On "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", Charlie asked his teacher, "Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?" and his teacher said, "We accept the love that we think we deserve." ------------------------------------------------------------------------

some part of me can’t wait for the next chapter of life the freedom the independence some part of me want time to stop because the next chapter of life is chasing with the loneliness and a demand to adapt to a whole new world some part of me keep thinking about staying strong because i have all i need and i’m privileged some part of me try to stop thinking about emptiness feeling undeserved of so many things and make sleep as an escapism some part of me want to believe in love because the feeling seems great there’s a partner to trust and there’s another place to be vulnerable some part of me still questioning about love because it’s just a feeling and it requires trial and error with acceptance, commitment, and responsibilities some part of me is twenty something some part of me is unrecognized some part of me want to keep going some part of me want to run away

I am the one who's responsible of: my own health my own happiness my own sanity.

"It is where you were supposed to be..." Foto di atas adalah salah satu halaman dari buku "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" karangan Mitch Albom.  Kadang (atau sering ya?) merasa nggak paham sebenarnya apa yang saya lakukan itu berdampak baik nggak sih untuk orang lain. Apakah yang saya lakukan berarti? Kadang pun merasa "Ah saya nggak ngapa-ngapain."  Tapi, sebenarnya nggak seperti itu.  Apa pun, sekecil apa pun yang kita lakukan pasti ada pengaruhnya. Kayak dari buku ini, tokoh utamanya, Eddie yang seorang teknisi di sebuah taman bermain merasa seumur hidupnya dia di tempat yang sama dan nggak melakukan hal yang berarti.  Padahal pekerjaan dia yang berkaitan dengan keamanan di taman bermain ternyata sudah menyelamatkan banyak anak yang datang ke sana. Saya sempat merasa nggak berarti, seperti yang tokoh Eddie rasakan. Padahal sebenarnya nggak, toh. Rasanya, sama seperti perjalanan hidup yang sedang saya alami sekarang. Potongan-potong...