Write to Remember

When you start living alone, you realize that everybody's life goes on and you should stop (or less) complaining and just gulp gulp gulp gulp everything because you're the only one. the only one. who understand how you feel. sometimes it could be "hell yes, i can do this!" into "what the fckk?!?!" just in couple hours. Well, enjoy the moment, they said. - Art West Building, 13:35 I should start reading my subject materials but i want to read the Seriously Curious from The economies instead. It's a freebies The Economist stall. I also got a free waffle with cricket toppings (yes, cricket the insect) from there. If there's a camera, it would seems like i look so serious, but i am just tired.

Suddenly, i think about this because two of my friends plan to get their part time job here. Also, they have plan to create some strategies to get a working visa after graduate (kuliah aja belom mulai???) The first one want to get it (the part time job) as soon as possible, the second one want to try to search for it a month later, but both of them already prepared their portfolio. Meanwhile, i have an interest to take a part time job to, but i want to take a look about it six months later. I don't even have an updated resume, now (heheh). I realized that i can't (and i don't) compare myself with them. Both of these guys are (i believe) clever and ambitious, but each of us has different purpose and goals on why we chose to take master degree. I'm in the same program with one of them, but he has more experience than me, especially in marketing and advertising world. I don't know. For now, i just want to study and explore. Previously, I have a high determination...

17th of July 2019 (One month to go to a new age...) Rasanya kayak nggak nyata. "Gue di sini, nih Beneran di Melbourne dan bakal lama di sini?" Jadi, hari ini pertama kalinya menginjakkan kaki di Australia, tepatnya di Melbourne. Seharian ini gue merasa kayak ada dalam auto-pilot mode, jalan-jalan di sekitar apartemen (akomodasi sementara), ke Melbourne Central, belanja, dan ngurus beberapa keperluan untuk tinggal di sini dalam jangka waktu yang cukup lama. Kemarin gue masih di Kalibata, dan hari ini udah di one of the most liveable city in the world. Berada di tempat yang baru, tapi rasanya santai aja. Ya emang gue begini sih setiap ke tempat yang baru, jarang panik. Tapi, nggak tahu deh ya kalau nanti pas udah mulai kuliah (?) Mari bercerita dari bandara. Di Bandara Tulamarine, setelah imigrasi yang cukup panjang itu adalah antri 'declare' alias pemeriksaan barang bawaan yang perlu dicek, boleh atau nggak masuk Australia. Sebelumnya, di pesawat dikasih kartu ...

There was a haunting bitterness that made me thinking: "kayaknya mendingan pahitnya belajar......"

And I’m very tired.

On "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", Charlie asked his teacher, "Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?" and his teacher said, "We accept the love that we think we deserve." ------------------------------------------------------------------------

some part of me can’t wait for the next chapter of life the freedom the independence some part of me want time to stop because the next chapter of life is chasing with the loneliness and a demand to adapt to a whole new world some part of me keep thinking about staying strong because i have all i need and i’m privileged some part of me try to stop thinking about emptiness feeling undeserved of so many things and make sleep as an escapism some part of me want to believe in love because the feeling seems great there’s a partner to trust and there’s another place to be vulnerable some part of me still questioning about love because it’s just a feeling and it requires trial and error with acceptance, commitment, and responsibilities some part of me is twenty something some part of me is unrecognized some part of me want to keep going some part of me want to run away

I am the one who's responsible of: my own health my own happiness my own sanity.

"It is where you were supposed to be..." Foto di atas adalah salah satu halaman dari buku "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" karangan Mitch Albom.  Kadang (atau sering ya?) merasa nggak paham sebenarnya apa yang saya lakukan itu berdampak baik nggak sih untuk orang lain. Apakah yang saya lakukan berarti? Kadang pun merasa "Ah saya nggak ngapa-ngapain."  Tapi, sebenarnya nggak seperti itu.  Apa pun, sekecil apa pun yang kita lakukan pasti ada pengaruhnya. Kayak dari buku ini, tokoh utamanya, Eddie yang seorang teknisi di sebuah taman bermain merasa seumur hidupnya dia di tempat yang sama dan nggak melakukan hal yang berarti.  Padahal pekerjaan dia yang berkaitan dengan keamanan di taman bermain ternyata sudah menyelamatkan banyak anak yang datang ke sana. Saya sempat merasa nggak berarti, seperti yang tokoh Eddie rasakan. Padahal sebenarnya nggak, toh. Rasanya, sama seperti perjalanan hidup yang sedang saya alami sekarang. Potongan-potong...

Write down your life's motto....  I used to found this sentence during a school orientation program or on a job application form. And I would be very confused about the answer. I never really have a motto for my life. But, I think I've figured out my motto after more than twenty years alive. As a person, I like challenges and would try some things that I've never been involved before. The result somehow leads me to amazing moment, great experiences, and I could possibly meet interesting people. So, i think, my first life's motto is "Never Stop Trying". What, there are second and third mottos?  Well, yes. I just found it recently.  Number 2, "Conquer Your Fear" Number 3, "Make Every Second Counts" The past two years has been weird and I learned a lot of things. And in the late 2018's, I thought about things that I wouldn't do for a while or I won't do because I'm scared, or I might get disappointed. ...

I’m uncertain whether I grew up better or bitter hopeful or hopeless - are you running out of time?

Deep deep deep down, i know the reason what makes me like this.   I know the cause, i know how it affects me. What i’ve held for years for something as a faith, shattered. Things happened not the way i expect to be and against what i believe is right. That was the starter when everything crumbles and makes me confused.  I’ve done a lot of questioning since then. Why it happened like that? It doesn’t suppose to be like that. My idealism was screaming. I was angry. But then, lately, i understand all the right things only belong to God. And people have never been free from their mistakes and their weaknesses.  “I’m only human, you’re only human.” But let’s not make it as a justification every time when we did something wrong. If you repeat your mistakes without feeling any guilt, it’s already a choice then, not an accidental mistake. So, acceptance makes me realized that i can stay hold on into what i believe is right, but another person can not always...

I just finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven. And I'm currently reading Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind. The next book that I would like to read, are: - Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig. - Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow by Yuval Noah Harari - Everything's F*cked: A Book About Hope by Mark Manson - Filsafat Agama by Buya Hamka - Strength to Love by Martin Luther King, Jr. I don't know why lately I only want to read, read, read, read, talk with people, read, eat tasty food, read, read, read, singing, read, drawing, read, read, read, read, read..... Nb: Jadi ingin cepat-cepat punya Kindle.

It is the best representative word to describe what I'm dealing right know I surrender to a particular thing inside me It's not a weakness and it's not a flaw It's an illness that can be cured As an adult, being responsible to your own health is necessary And this thing is the first part to completely prove that I can take care of it Well, there was a time when horrible stuffs happened with my hair and i can fix it But, what's happening now is much bigger than that issue Change is hard and not so nice So does surrender I was a person who doesn't like to surrender "I can do it." However, not for this time Surrender is the first step to becoming better There are two biggest causes that make the suffocating feeling dechiper The first one is already in a progress, facing forward The second one, appeared today, and I just knew it It still haunted me and it could suddenly appear by some triggers Surrender I have ...

Monday, 22nd of April 2019 It was a nice Monday, overall. I feel better than I ever was. I woke up before the dawn and continue my journaling. I was so glad my trip to UK few weeks ago still left in a vivid memory in my mind. I can remember the cold-fresh air, the road, the trees, the flowers, the buildings, the moments, the places, and I wrote it in my notes. I didn't remember my NY trip last year as good as this one. After that, I read another chapter in Educated and then I continue to sleep. I woke up again for Subuh prayer. In the morning, I ate breakfast and finished my first work. Well, there's a tiny moment where my mind is a bit anxious due to think about graduate course's preparation and lack of focus to continue my work. But, I paused and took a deep breath for a couple times. And it works. I could finally finish my assignments. The weather was bright and sunny, and I captured my office tower through my instastory. I don't know why I want to, I did ...

let it go. and stop trying for things that doesn’t make any sense.

....because a head full of fears has no space for dreams.

Beberapa hari yang lalu saya ketemu lagi dengan Pisey, salah satu teman asal Kamboja yang pernah ikut konferensi bareng di Greifswald, Juni 2016. Setelah itu sebenarnya kita sempat ketemu lagi di UI sekitar akhir 2016. Pisey lagi ikut sebuah student conference juga di UI dan saya lagi nemenin teman yang ikut acara yang sama. Waah, udah lebih dari dua tahun dan nggak nyangka Jumat minggu lalu bisa ketemu lagi. Dia sekarang kerja di Kementerian Luar Negeri Kamboja dan beberapa hari lagi di Jakarta karena ada tugas nemenin Duta Besar di ASEAN Secretariat. Wah, I'm amazed and it's so good to see her doing well and pursue her dream job to work in Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Kalau dengar cerita-cerita Pisey dan melihat pengalamannya, dia nih orangnya hard worker banget dan passionate dalam bidang hukum dan hubungan internasional. Jumat itu kita makan malam di Putu Bali, Senayan City. Pilihan saya nggak salah deh karena pernah coba makan di sana sekali. Makanannya enak dan t...

It has been a long time, and finally the four of us gathered together today. We celebrated Nadya's birthday though. She's turning 24, and the rest of us will turn 24 as well this year! Time flies~ I'm so grateful our friendship since junior high school stands strong until this present moment, and hopefully until we're turning into elderly! Sadly, when I'll go study abroad, obviously I couldn't see them for more than a year? Hhhh. But, life will go on for each of us. And at least, technology will help us to keep in touch. All the best for our future endeavors!

I will put a honest explanation through this post. In the past few days, I'm in the verge of self-doubt towards myself. A lot of things has happened, I felt so alone, and my overthinking mind is super wrecked. Sometimes it can't put me to sleep well. I feel like I'm not good enough in so many stuffs, and undeserving to receive some privilleges in my life. I was thinking that maybe my flaws can not be accepted (by some people) so I have to strive to be better. Ugh, I don't know. I'm confused about shaping my value as a complete human being. Lol, too many doubts and I'm so hard on myself about being not good enough. To put it in a simple sentence, my "job" is just to be happy and explore anything as best as I can, but I don't know why I couldn't. I'm stuck and suddenly I feel numb agaiiiin. Meh. So, yesterday (around 2.00 A.M can you imagine hahah) I shared some things that has been crumpled up my thoughts in the past few days. I shared ...

To nailed on something, achieve on good things, attract positivity, be kind and friendly, are some stuffs that so easily draws people to you. But, that’s not important. You are considered as lucky when there are still people who stand by yourside when you made mistake, your flaws were exposed, got backstabbed, treated so bad by some people, or when you were somehow just at a very nasty condition. So, keep those fortune... Keep it. Love it. Respect it. Especially, to people who stays. Because....... you’ll be very exhausted if you don’t have that kind of precious acceptance. You won’t like it if you have to face your worst time alone. Uh huh. Have a nice day! ----------------------------------------------- (Dear lucky man, dear lucky woman, now I will try to work on my fortune)

I’m tired with the constant battle with my mind. Is it because i’m an INFP? Is it because my bloodtype is O? Is it because i’m a Leo? Hohoh, silly. Everybody has something to fight for. Everybody has someone to rely on. What are you fighting for? Who do you think you are that could make you possible to rely on someone? This defining age put myself a lot in front of a mirror. Who are you? What are you waiting for? Where are you going to contribute your advantage? Do you have any? How do you deserve to be treated? As the Hang On Little Tomato plays from Pink Martini And continues with Hold On from 2009 Jonas Brothers I’ve turned into a completely non-believer now.

....Bulshit. About these words: “You have more freedom than you think you have, just focus on what makes you happy.”

In order to be solid I chose to sacrifice my selfishness. I chose to make a promise to myself that I will return what they had given to me and fulfill their expectation. Partly, I agree to chose this path too. I hope after all of these, maybe a few years later, I will be solid. I'm able to stand strong, to take more risks and consider more consequences just based on my own, and also receive my happiness and satisfaction the way that I want to be. I chose to be in the shape of creating-and upgrading my value, because it is still confusing for me about how far my value is worth through people's eyes. Do I deserve this? Do I deserve to be treated that way? And the way to get out is to get through. The past two years feels like an auto-pilot mode where the suffering and suffocating feelings are so vivid in my mind. Although, there are also some satisfying moment, cheerful real feelings that arise for a while, even it didn't last long. Still trying to accept it though, and s...

- May we find the courage and peace to accept ourselves - May we find the courage and peace to forgive ourselves - May we find the courage and peace to our past - May we find the courage and peace to our mistakes - May we find the courage and peace to our decision - May we find the courage and peace to forgive those who've had hurt us - May we find the courage and peace to our perception and assumption - May we find the courage and peace within ourselves - May we find the courage and peace that we've been looking for.

A: “Is it okay that perhaps i just want to be a cool ibu kostan, earning more passive income through investment, be a part-time lecturer because i need to socialize in less dramatic and nice environment plus be more useful in society, and then spend the rest of the day reading, writing, sometimes painting, and watch enriching content for my brain? Is that too much to ask?” Z: “Don’t forget to find a husband and be a mother part.” A: “Well, if or when someday i’m ready for commitment, full responsibility for others, and stuffs.” Z: “I thought you would say when someday you’ll fall in love and meet the one?” A: “Don’t be overrated. It’s a matter of commitment or not.”

I often hear this song at Sama Dengan Cafe ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The sun has left and forgotten me It's dark, I cannot see Why does this rain pour down? I'm gonna drown in a sea Of deep confusion Somebody told me, I don't know who Whenever you are sad and blue And you're feeling all alone and left behind Just take a look inside you and you'll find You gotta hold on Hold on through the night Hang on Things will be all right Even when it's dark and not a bit of sparkling Sing-song sunshine from above Spreading rays of sunny love Just hang on Hang on to the vine Stay on Soon you'll be divine If you  start to cry, look up to the sky Something's coming up ahead To turn your tears to dew instead And so I hold on to this advice When change is hard and not so nice If you listen to your heart the whole ...

I just finished the first chapter of Growing Pains, a book written by senior Indonesian journalist, Desi Anwar. At first, I didn't plan to buy this book. Last Saturday, I was spending my day volunteering in an NGO. I spent most of the day with my friends, children, and international volunteers. It has been quite a long time though not spending time with them. That Saturday, I've made promise to have dinner with my parents. But, on the evening, while I was waiting for dinner time, I decided that I want to go to a book shop after I finished my volunteering job desk. I would like to go to Kinokuniya to buy a printed edition of a magazine, and also search for a new romance novel. However, Kinokuniya is quite far from my location, so I decided that I could buy that magazine on weekday since Kinokuniya located near my office. So, I went to a closer bookshop instead, Aksara Kemang. Maybe, I could find a recommended romance novel, as long as it's not a young adult one. My eye...

Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya merasa nggak enak. Nggak enak pikiran yang membuat perasaan kosong dan kepala nggak enak. Padahal lagi di kantor. Tapi, untungnya saya masih bisa kerja dan ngobrol sama teman-teman lainnya. Semuanya kelihatan baik-baik saja, tapi entah kenapa dari dalam diri sendiri muncul perasaan nggak enak yang cukup parah dan ini udah lama nggak muncul. Rencananya, sepulang kerja saya mau ke Kinokuniya biar bisa refreshing sekaligus nenangin diri dan identifikasi penyebab nggak enak itu. Eh tapi tau-tau temen saya ngajak nemenin makan di kantin. Mau makan capcay. Ya saya karena laper juga akhirnya mau nemenin. Batal deh ngademin diri ke Kinokuniya, gitu kata saya dalam hati. Ternyata, makan dan ngobrol di kantin sama temen ini justru menyadarkan saya sama satu hal penting dan menambah pencerahan saya terhadap identifikasi kenapa ada numb feeling itu. Malam itu kayak jadi malem yang......waaaaahgelaseh. Temen saya ini sebenarnya anak baru di kantor. Baru masuk ham...

30 Hari Bercerita Hari ke-4 Most of the time, I'm confused of my general, or daily measurement of happiness. When I was in college, I used to make a list based on what I want and what I think would amaze me. Well, I did it. But after that, I was kinda distracted about what I really want to achieve and what is suppose to be meaningful and purposeful. Does it important to be very materialistically rich? Is it possible to be a change maker who could make a huge impact, while I understand how this world working is like Yin and Yang? How far can I help  and contribute to society?  Is it more possible to help through my capabilities or my money? Why some policy makers and rulers and other people with authorities are blind to see the lack of humanity in some fundamental problems? What type of person that I'm looking forward to make a networking in the future? What if what i aspire to be is not only based on a one category or one person? And so on... However, today, my measure...

Hari 1 Oke, saya akan paksa diri saya mengikuti tren #30HariBercerita yang ada di instagram, tapi nggak menulisnya di instagram. Semoga saya bisa menulis lagi, dengan tulus. Dini hari di awal tahun, dan terlalu banyak yang berkecamuk di pikiran saya. Dulu di blog lama, saya pernah nulis Memahami Cinta dan Hubungan ala Saya. Entah kerasukan apa waktu itu, tapi sepertinya saat itu sedang tengah malam dan saya menuangkan panjang-panjang hal yang saya nggak pahami itu. Sampai sekarang pun, saya masih nggak paham. Karena sepertinya setiap orang mencintai dengan cara yang berbeda, dan setiap diri ini mengutamakan apa yang dicintainya secara berbeda dari orang lain. Tapi, kategorinya masih sama. cinta ke Tuhan, cinta ke orangtua, cinta ke significant other, cinta ke keluarga/saudara, dan cinta ke masyarakat ( sort of dalam bentuk pengabdian gitu deh). Dan berdasarkan observasi saya, masih sama juga, kalau setiap manusia tanpa disadari bisa mengurutkan cinta yang mana yang jadi p...