Wish Me Luck
I will put a honest explanation through this post. In the past few days, I'm in the verge of self-doubt towards myself.
A lot of things has happened, I felt so alone, and my overthinking mind is super wrecked. Sometimes it can't put me to sleep well.
I feel like I'm not good enough in so many stuffs, and undeserving to receive some privilleges in my life. I was thinking that maybe my flaws can not be accepted (by some people) so I have to strive to be better. Ugh, I don't know. I'm confused about shaping my value as a complete human being. Lol, too many doubts and I'm so hard on myself about being not good enough.
To put it in a simple sentence, my "job" is just to be happy and explore anything as best as I can, but I don't know why I couldn't. I'm stuck and suddenly I feel numb agaiiiin. Meh.
So, yesterday (around 2.00 A.M can you imagine hahah) I shared some things that has been crumpled up my thoughts in the past few days. I shared the result of my college application through my Instagram stories. Because, after I finally received all of the results, my feelings are........not 100% excited. I don't know why I was automatically being full of self-doubt. I shared it because maybe I could ask some of my friends and ensure myself that I've done my best and I deserve it.
Omg, I got it? Do I deserve this? What was I thinking for this one? What was my purpose when I applied for that one? Is it going to be worth it? I put so much effort though, can I feel alive through this-next-chapter-of my life? Which one that is actually will work the best? Oh sht sht am I good enough? WILL I BE MORE USEFUL OMGGGG.
But you're already accepted, stupid!
And I'm grateful to receive so many good responses. It encourages me to believe in myself more and to try again. I know deep down I have such potential and advantages in communication, strategic thinking, storytelling, and art, but this cloud of self-doubt rules my head more. So, I need to work on this fluctuate numb feelings first. I really hope this too shall pass. I replied every response with "please wish me luck" hahaha just because I hope the final option will leads toward a better version of Auzi.
As a reminder, I think this is not cool at all. Well, I can say that I'm proud of my growth and achieve it, but these LoA doesn't mean I'm considered as "cool" because I know I'm not. Because I think everybody also cool, and they are awesome in their own way. I saw this as part of making myself feels good and following my short term target. And I'm sure everybody has their own path to make themselves feel good and strive to do well towards the future. Each of us is the result of different social constructivism, and we are trying to be happy in different ways. So, I hope, maybe, this is my path.
So, basically, the point is, my feelings and thoughts are mixed between terrified and excited! There are few months left, though! AAAAA *continues in the constant battle of panic and chill*
Truth be told, I'm still an over thinker who's confused about what I'm I actually exactly going to be in the future. But, isn't almost everybody at twenty something like that? lol. Ugh, I know I should stop to over think about it! One at a time, Auzi. One at a time. And put your mind to enjoy the ride!
Please, wish me luck yaaa.
*nb:
Nah, bakal ngerantau beneran nih saya akhirnya???
A lot of things has happened, I felt so alone, and my overthinking mind is super wrecked. Sometimes it can't put me to sleep well.
I feel like I'm not good enough in so many stuffs, and undeserving to receive some privilleges in my life. I was thinking that maybe my flaws can not be accepted (by some people) so I have to strive to be better. Ugh, I don't know. I'm confused about shaping my value as a complete human being. Lol, too many doubts and I'm so hard on myself about being not good enough.
To put it in a simple sentence, my "job" is just to be happy and explore anything as best as I can, but I don't know why I couldn't. I'm stuck and suddenly I feel numb agaiiiin. Meh.
So, yesterday (around 2.00 A.M can you imagine hahah) I shared some things that has been crumpled up my thoughts in the past few days. I shared the result of my college application through my Instagram stories. Because, after I finally received all of the results, my feelings are........not 100% excited. I don't know why I was automatically being full of self-doubt. I shared it because maybe I could ask some of my friends and ensure myself that I've done my best and I deserve it.
Omg, I got it? Do I deserve this? What was I thinking for this one? What was my purpose when I applied for that one? Is it going to be worth it? I put so much effort though, can I feel alive through this-next-chapter-of my life? Which one that is actually will work the best? Oh sht sht am I good enough? WILL I BE MORE USEFUL OMGGGG.
But you're already accepted, stupid!
And I'm grateful to receive so many good responses. It encourages me to believe in myself more and to try again. I know deep down I have such potential and advantages in communication, strategic thinking, storytelling, and art, but this cloud of self-doubt rules my head more. So, I need to work on this fluctuate numb feelings first. I really hope this too shall pass. I replied every response with "please wish me luck" hahaha just because I hope the final option will leads toward a better version of Auzi.
As a reminder, I think this is not cool at all. Well, I can say that I'm proud of my growth and achieve it, but these LoA doesn't mean I'm considered as "cool" because I know I'm not. Because I think everybody also cool, and they are awesome in their own way. I saw this as part of making myself feels good and following my short term target. And I'm sure everybody has their own path to make themselves feel good and strive to do well towards the future. Each of us is the result of different social constructivism, and we are trying to be happy in different ways. So, I hope, maybe, this is my path.
So, basically, the point is, my feelings and thoughts are mixed between terrified and excited! There are few months left, though! AAAAA *continues in the constant battle of panic and chill*
Truth be told, I'm still an over thinker who's confused about what I'm I actually exactly going to be in the future. But, isn't almost everybody at twenty something like that? lol. Ugh, I know I should stop to over think about it! One at a time, Auzi. One at a time. And put your mind to enjoy the ride!
Please, wish me luck yaaa.
*nb:
Nah, bakal ngerantau beneran nih saya akhirnya???
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